Lindsay Lohan: Why Won't She Just Go Away?

She hasn’t made a movie in years. She hasn’t made a good movie in half a decade.

By , Contributor
Back in 2006, I was working in Chicago and every morning I'd pick up what was a free supplement to the Chicago Tribune called "The RedEye." The RedEye was basically a paper for the brain dead. It had maybe one page of news, a few pages of sports and a ton of gossip and entertainment news.  After maybe six months of devouring this thing, I came to the realization that every single day without fail there was at least one mention of one particular young female starlet -- Lindsay Lohan.

It became sort of a game to me. Each morning I'd look for the Lohan mention and be amazed that, yes, she was in there every single day. I was convinced that this phenomenon would last for at least a year. I was wrong. It's now 2011, I'm not in Chicago any more, she isn't even remotely attractive to me these days, but Lindsay Lohan somehow still has a stranglehold on the news. She just won't go away and I just don't get it. Paris Hilton has faded. Britney Spears has faded. I'm not even sure if Nicole Ritchie is alive, but Lindsay Lohan just won't go away.

Mom's nuts; Dad's crazy; she's a lesbian; she's no longer a lesbian; she's being arrested for driving while intoxicated over and over again; she's playing a stripper; she's going to court dressed like a stripper; she's going to community service dressed like a stripper. Please god, just make it stop.

LindsayTina.jpgIn 2004, Lindsay seemed like a great bet. She was adorable. She was possibly talented. She was starring in Mean Girls with Tina Fey, who has since conquered all avenues of entertainment like she knows Godzilla personally, but seven years later Lindsay is still omnipresent and I have no idea why.

I don't even really know what color her hair is anymore. How does she still merit so much attention? Does she live naked in a teepee in the lobby of the TMZ office?

I understand the fetish of the emerging sexuality of young Disney offspring. Men celebrate the day they become legal and young girls like Miley Cyrus do their best to remain relevant by showing off more of their wild side. Taylor Momsen, who just got tossed off Gossip Girl, is a good example, but my guess is that in five years I won't even remember Taylor's name and Lindsay Lohan will still be splitting her time between televised rehab and Hustler photo shoots all on the front page of the Huffington Post.

Who out there is eating this stuff up? Sure, I've looked at a couple semi-nude photo shoots that Lindsay seems to spew out between court dates. I'm not turned on at all. I just feel uncomfortable and dirty. Ever since she abandoned her adorable red hair for that washed out crack whore look, all I can do is moan and wonder.

She went on the Tonight Show a couple of weeks ago, because that's what you do when you need to publicly apologize for something. She was contrite, but frankly she has the personality of a grapefruit. There is nothing interesting about this girl anymore. She hasn't made a movie in years. She hasn't made a good movie in half a decade. She wasn't even really that appealing or charismatic in Mean Girls and she can't even hold a job in a low budget Linda Lovelace biopic. Why won't she just go away?

The people who make movies are smart and they've moved on. Now it's the public's turn. Forget about Lindsay just like you did the other 47 starlets that had sex with Wilmer Valderrama. You probably don't even remember who Wilmer Valderrama is.

I know that we all thought Lindsay was cute and talented back in the day, but it's time for the public to do what every studio in Hollywood has already done. Give her parts to Emma Stone.

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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