All Politicians Are Creepy - It's Time to Admit It

Didn't Forest Gump once say "creepy is as creepy does?" No? Well, he should have.

By , Contributor

I haven't achieved very much with my life, but amazingly enough I become more and more qualified to be a politician every day. I've never fathered a son with a maid; I've never texted anyone a photo of my penis; I've never paid a prostitute $5000; I've never smoked crack. Day after day, I sit around on my ass achieving absolutely nothing, and yet day after day, I somehow become more and more electable.

You know who I admire? Larry Flynt! Larry Flynt has never portrayed himself as anything, but the biggest scumbag in the world, and you know what, because of that Larry Flynt never lets anyone down. You're never going to see people crying in the streets because Larry Flynt has to admit to some secret indiscretion.

You know why we should have smaller government? It's not because government is a bad idea. It's because democratic governments are run by politicians and politicians are by their very nature lying, creepy scumbags. Remember the kids who ran for student government offices in high school? Remember the young adults who were part of the campus Republicans or Democrats in college? Did you ever for a second want to hang out with them for more time than you absolutely had to?

There was something wrong with these people. They needed to be liked way too much. They never had an opinion on anything before they figured out how many people would respect or agree with them and how many people would be offended. It's time to face the fact that it is completely impossible to become a powerful politician without being a completely hypocritical, double dealing head case.

Can't we just elect Steve Jobs dictator for life so we can finally get something done in America? I've been alive for forty five years now and the only way I can differentiate the well known politicians of my era is by the scandals that brought them down. Bill Clinton seems like a paragon of virtue to me because the only thing creepy about him was his penchant for slightly overweight mistresses.

One of my close friends is still incensed at the fact that Barack Obama's clergyman is a raving lunatic. Of course he is! All clergymen are raving lunatics, and yet labeling yourself an atheist is still career suicide for a politician. It's a simple fact that it is nearly impossible to be elected to office if you consistently speak your mind. I think the only exceptions are Jesse Ventura and any Kennedy who hasn't perished in a hail of gunfire or alcohol.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin just keeps chugging along. She's rewriting American history every day by the seat of her pants, but she keeps chugging along.

Sadly, for some reason the world is still mostly run by men, and as long as men have penises and a sex drive they will continue to have periods of insanity that bring them down, whether it's on the internet or in a bus station bathroom stall.

People like to joke about women and their monthly crabbiness, but the fact is that the male sex drive can make you insane at any given moment. You might be about to sign a peace treaty that will ensure goodwill in the world for the next hundred years, but if your penis says that it's time to watch some Asian pregnancy porn, then it's time to watch some Asian pregnancy porn. Sure you'll be completely aghast at what you've done three seconds after you ejaculate, but until then the beast needs to be fed.

I've rambled a little bit here, but I think what I'm trying to say is that all male politicians need to fire one out of the chamber every morning before they go to work or Sarah Palin is going to bring about the rapture sooner rather than later. Either way, all you politicians are creepy as hell, you all need to stay out of my neighborhood, and no you can't kiss my baby!

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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