Just look at that dog's face! Er, the one with pink hair!
Hello, I'm Rachel, and at some point in the past few months I lost my dignity, lowered my standards, and became TMR's official herald of all things Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison.
I'm ashamed to say that I've created quizzes for them, analyzed videos of them, and compiled Tweets for your disgust (and enjoyment, don't even pretend!). And while I'll likely never be recognized for my journalistic prowess in these matters, it's too late to go back.
Therefore, I present to you the latest super sensuous news about 17-year-old wannabe starlet Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old D-list actor husband, Doug Hutchison. Radar Online reports that the skeezy pair have signed a deal with Roy Bank, president of Merv Griffin Entertainment, for their very own reality show.
Krista Stodden, Courtney's
mama pimp manager, states "The reason we went with Roy is because we feel that he is the man who will be able to place Courtney's show in front of the best network for her." She continues, "They are going to be very, very open about their lives. They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits."
I think the gloriously snarky MichaelK at Dlisted summed the events up perfectly, using Courtney's very own Twitter dialect:
"Radar seductively reports that the sensuous creature Courtney Stodden provocatively grabbed her sexy husband's long hard pen and deliciously dipped it into her wet ink jar and salaciously saturated the voluptuous contract with her pleasurable signature of lustful desire. I LOVE JESUS!"
I'm equal parts horrified and captivated, which is the exact combination one needs to create reality television gold.
This promises to be a collision of Toddler & Tiaras, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and To Catch a Predator. It's rare that a supernova of skankiness such as this explodes into existence. Scientists will be pondering over this aberration in the laws of physics and the order of the universe for decades to come. However, I imagine that no matter how hard we resist, we'll be drawn into its destructive black hole of suckiness. Einstein just shuddered in his grave.
What say you, TMR universe? Will you be tuning in to watch the seductive half-hour of sensuous delight?