Warning: Barry Manilow's Face is Scarier than Satan

Some things are too frightening, even for grown men.

By , Contributor

Josiah True/ WENN.com

Last night I was peacefully minding my own business and surfing through my cable lineup when I saw something on CNN that brought me right to the edge of all that is good and holy. It was something I found to be shocking and horrifying and totally inappropriate for children.

Hell, I'm 45 and I feel like I should have been warned ahead of time by Ted Turner - something like a message that comes on before the television actually tunes into the channel. I know that you all probably think it was graphic pictures of a beheading or too many details about a prison gang rape, but it was much worse and I'm happy that I survived this image and lived to tell the tale. It was, and it pains me to say this, Barry Manilow's face.

Let your young ones stay up late to watch A Clockwork Orange, but please, please heed my warnings and keep their cherished innocence away from the sight of Barry Manilow's face.

The funny thing is, you'd think that he'd be singing, he is after all supposedly a singer. But the truth was, that he was merely discussing Britney Spears. On the other hand, had he been singing, I'm not sure that I would have been able to resist the urge to grab the nearest fork, aim the tines directly for their pupils and pry out my poor, defeated eyeballs.

At this point I must warn you that I am about to describe Barry Manilow's face, so please if you have a weak stomach, go directly to YouTube and punch up some old videos of Farrah Fawcett, or something nice and peaceful like bunnies running free in the wild.

The HEAD: First of all, the head is small, gerbil small. It looks about two sizes two small, as if every time that Barry had plastic surgery they scooped out an ounce or two of brain with it. The hair looks just like Clay Aiken's did when he was young. In fact, I'm not completely sure that Manilow didn't go out and have Aiken killed and scalped for his own despicable purposes.

The FACE: The face itself is way over scrubbed, a lot like the ghoulish look that Ellen Degeneres went with on American Idol. The eyes are the purest, blue concoction devised since the Aryan days of Hitler and the lids only move sporadically and not all the way up to the top.

IT TALKS: And that's not all - it talks! Yes, it talks and the lips move (sort of), but the cheeks never do. His cheeks have more muscle tone than his arms and they never, never move no matter how excited and animated you would expect them to get. It's downright creepy and way scarier than the end of Carrie. He is pixie Satan!

Watch the video above if you dare, but I have to warn you that it gets downright ugly way before he even mentions showing his penis to the world! Watching it back on the computer, I'm not exactly sure if there are some buffer problems with this video or if he actually moves his head like that - he's almost a human Max Headroom.

Please FCC, do something useful for once in your existence and make CNN pay. Those types of images are disgusting, and have the potential to cause disillusionment in our hearts that this world has never known. Ban all live showings of Barry Manilow's face. Do it for the children.

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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