Internet Kissing Machine Sees Light of Day, Tweens Never to See Daylight Again

Lonely awkward teens (and adults) now have a new reason to never leave the house.

By , Columnist

Since the advent of social networking websites, psychologists have speculated about the lack of IRL (In Real Life) interaction and its antisocial effects. They say that it's "mostly bad news" and suggest we are replacing the comfort of human companionship with impersonal and sterile devices. But what if one of these devices had a wriggly tongue, is that still impersonal?

Japanese scientists are attempting to create haptic online interaction with the invention of an Internet kissing machine. Modern society is now one step closer to becoming fully fledged shut-ins, with no reason to ever leave the house again.

In Tokyo's University of Electro-Communications Kajimoto Laboratory, mad scientist and researcher Nobuhiro Takahashi has created a prototype called K-LRMCD (not an acronym for Kiss Like Real, Make Companion Delighted), which in its current state looks like an electric pencil sharpener with a flexible Solo® straw projecting from the side.


The K-LRMCD works by inserting the device's straw into your mouth and turning it with your tongue. The straw on its partner device then turns in the same way. This device is revolutionary because Internet kissers no longer need to shower, experience the trauma of an actual date or make eye contact with anyone ever again. The kissing box is receiving continual modifications and the lab plans to create a machine that integrates all of the elements of a wet, teeth-to-teeth tongue-wrestling match complete with labored breathing. No word yet on the heavy petting.

Takahashi has conducted his experiments using one computer and two kissing devices but claims kisses will be easily transmitted among IP addresses very soon. Just insert the straw in your mouth, twirl, press record, and transmit out via the Interwebs to any and all long distance love interests. In theory, the recipient can then save the virtual kiss on her hard drive and relive the sensation again whenever the urge strikes.

The lab developed the kissing machine to bridge the gap for long distance lovers and perceives it as a potential marketing concept for celebrities. Just think, Robert Pattinson can suck and tongue all over a straw just once and his tween emo fans can purchase that kiss for $39.95, giving them something better to do on a Saturday night than cutting themselves.

Should this technology prove commercially successful, it provides a gateway for the introduction of other devices that simulate arguing over the remote control, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, and stealing the covers. If they ever invent a machine that plays with your hair and tells you that you're pretty, I'm buying it.

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Holly is a freelance writer and copy editor with a background in journalism and publishing. Like a grandmother's purse, she is about three decades old, worn around the edges and mostly full of crap.

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