Filmmaker Lars Von Trier: Dude, STFU About Hitler

Look at you, Lars. You barely know what you're saying.

By , Contributor

I like to say that I do my solemn best not to be offended unless the speaker means to offend me. I don't just hear a nasty word and start freaking out about our collective history of racism and genocide.

Nonetheless, here is some advice to Lars Von Trier (who has now been banned from Cannes) or anyone else who decides to walk the tightrope of funny. Dude, don't go there. It's just not worth it. I know, you think you have something unbelievably witty and incisive to say about Adolf Hitler and his goose-stepping comrades, but really, it's just not worth it.

Unless you are Mel Brooks or Larry David or the guy that played Sergeant Schultz in Hogan's Heroes,stay away from the Holocaust humor. Personally, I'm not offended by Von Trier, I just hate to see grown men flounder.

Look Lars, you're a small filmmaker of some critical renown. You have Kirsten Dunst sitting next to you. If you want that to continue then you're supposed to talk about how disappointed you were that Nicole Kidman couldn't get anyone to see Dogville, but oh so happy to still merit a level A grade fox so soon after her heroic efforts in the Spider-Man trilogy. Let the beauty talk. It's what she's there for!

If you are going to take on the Nazi era, at least have a solid take. I can so tell that you are making this up as you go along and that's not a very smart strategy in these waters. Watch here as the man just tongue-trips all over himself and guarantees that Kirsten isn't going to have one of those Woody Allen/Mia Farrow type affairs with him.

Most of the online transcripts fail to elucidate just how mealy-mouthed the above video gets until Von Trier says enough and tries to move on. Sorry, pal, enough was about 15 minutes ago. Congratulations, now you get to talk about this topic for the rest of your career!

Here are a couple more points for the future, Lars. You've just realized that you've offended one of the most sensitive anti-defamation groups in the world. The best way to get out of the hole is to feign mescaline poisoning or temporary insanity. Saying that you're very much for the Jews? That's a good start, but don't press your luck. Now is not the time to opine that Israelis are a collective pain in the ass.

Personally, I don't think that you're going to get many points trying to sympathize and understand Adolf Hitler. They've written a whole lot of books about that guy and he pretty much comes off as a sadistic, syphilitic megalomaniac in every single one of them. They had a bunch of trials after the war where they tried to understand him and that didn't go very well for him and his followers either.

Look at you. You barely know what you're saying. Complete sentences are not coming to the surface. Kirsten Dunst is looking at you like she wants to rip your throat out. Now is not the time to think that you are the one man incisive enough to "get" the true Adolf Hitler.

There you go, Lars. Just shut up. Honestly, defending Albert Speer as one of "God's best children"? Albert Speer was a huge Albert Speer apologist and even he never got that out of hand. No one is impressed that you can tell the talented Nazis with blood on their hands from the morons.

It's just not going well for you, Lars. Take a step back. Say, "My mouth seems to have been taken over by evil wood nymphs! Would it be okay if the lovely Kirsten finished?" Now disappear back to the boring movie theaters that no one attends unless they are trying to come off like a self-important, "cultured" intellectual. We'll be watching Captain America kill Nazis at the multiplex. Now, do your best to stay there, because it's going to be tough to get another hot blonde to sit next to you for the next decade or so.

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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