The Movie Spew: Jersey Shore and Three Stooges, Together at Last

Disney and Marvel in 2014, Conan the Sequellian

By , Columnist
Jersey Shore = Three Stooges

If ever there was a sign of the impending apocalypse that desperately needs to be taken seriously, it’s come today. Screw the international financial collapse or massive country-crippling earthquakes. Those are rough, don’t get me wrong, but if you really want a sign that the world is coming to a close it has to be the news that the cast of Jersey Shore will be appearing in the Farrelly Brothers’ (Dumb And Dumber) upcoming Three Stooges movie.

That’s right, any hope you had for nostalgic Stooges fun is already set to be spoiled by everyone’s least favorite reality TV stars. Shockingly, the Jersey Shore folks will be playing drunken morons and apparently the Farrelly Brothers thought the drunken morons gave impressively realistic performances as drunken morons. The only real question is whether or not the Academy will have time to make all of the Oscar statues that this film will so richly deserve.

Marvel cast.jpgDisney and Marvel: Untitled

Disney has announced plans to release two movies with Marvel Comics in 2014. The titles that will be responsible for bringing together these two titans of children’s commerce? Why Marvel Untitled 1 and Marvel Untitled 2, or course. What, you’ve never heard of the mysterious masked fighting force known as The Untitleds? That’s fair enough because they don’t really exist.

The truth is that either Marvel isn’t ready to announce their 2014 summer titles yet (talk about lazy!) or they are waiting to tally up the box office and DVD receipts from recent releases before they decide which sequel or forgotten character will get a greenlight.

Regardless, you can all rest easy knowing that there will be at least two superhero movies every summer from now on whether we like it or not. I’ll bet they’ll be in 3D too, but I don’t want to get too excited - I mean, nauseous.

conan-jason-momoa-action.jpgConan the Sequellian

We’re just a few short weeks away from seeing the shirtless bloodbath known as the Conan The Barbarian remake, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t appropriate for people to be talking sequels already. Lionsgate is certainly open to the idea if the film is a success, but no one is more interested in seeing this flick turn into a franchise than the film’s bitesize Arnold Schwarzenegger substitute Jason Momoa.

The former Baywatch star has apparently already started writing a sequel that will somehow involve mythical creatures. The image of Momoa sitting in an office rattling away on a Conan Vs Clash of the Titans screenplay before his semi-anticipated movie has even opened is undeniably priceless. Somehow I’ve got a feeling watching that overexcited and presumably shirtless writing session would be more entertaining than the movie itself, though.

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Phil Brown was born years ago. He then grew up, went to university, and now reviews movies, interviews people and writes comedy. He writes for a number of websites and publications including the one you are currently reading. Phil can be found haunting movie theatres around Toronto. He isn't dangerous,…

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