Go Ahead Remake Point Break - I Dare You!

By , Contributor
Johnny Utah: (in perhaps the most wooden delivery of Keanu Reeves’ career, which is definitely saying something) "Bodhi, this is your f**king wake-up call man. I am an F, B, I, Agent!"

Bodhi: (laughing - probably at Keanu’s line reading) "I know man. Isn't it wild?"

Look, I’ve been around the block a few times. I know nothing is sacred in Hollywood. I’ve seen classic movie after classic movie denigrated and shat upon by Adam Sandler. I’ve seen Planet of the Apes made and remade over 1327 times. I saw a group of inane knuckleheads think that they could improve on James Caan and Billy Dee Williams' version of Brian’s Song.

Feel free to alert the authorities because I am not going to make this subtle. If producer Michael De Luca and screenwriter Kurt Wimmer go ahead with their plans to remake Point Break, I am going to put on a Ronald Reagan mask, set the output of a gas hose on fire and proceed to make the Rodney King riots look like a peaceful retiree game of mah jongg.

Don’t test me on this boys, because I am 100% committed. Give the money to Michael Bay and let him remake Casablanca with Charlie Sheen, Tracy Morgan, and Megan Fox. Let Brett Ratner remake Citizen Kane with Pauly Shore and a snowmobile if you feel like it. Just keep your dirty, filthy rotten hands off Point Break.

Johnny Utah: "You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?"

I’m not some rube who decided that he liked Point Break after Kathryn Bigelow’s career affirming best director win at the 2010 Academy Awards. I’m not some schmuck who saw it on cable thirty-seven times and decided that it was the greatest “bad” movie ever. I was there alone in a San Francisco movie theater in 1991, defying the near unanimous pans of the world’s elite movie critics, and cheering my head off at Keanu Reeves jumping out of a plane, gun in hand, in hot dogged pursuit of Patrick Swayze - sans parachute!

I was there alone in a dark room enjoying what may well be Gary Busey’s last coherent performance as he instructed his stakeout partner to get him two count them two meatball sandwiches. I was there alone wishing I had a girlfriend as cute as Lori Petty in what may have been her first and last completely feminine role. Twenty years ago I too agreed with Patrick Swayze that surfing, skydiving, and robbing banks seemed like a hell of a lot better way of life than sitting in rush hour traffic.

Ben Harp: "Do you think that taxpayers would like it, Utah, if they knew that they were paying a federal agent to surf and pick up girls?"
Johnny Utah: "Babes."
Ben Harp: "I beg your pardon?"
Johnny Utah: "The correct term is babes, sir."

Hell, I was even willing to believe that Keanu Reeves’ Johnny Utah could be an undercover Fed despite the fact that he was an Ohio State quarterback who blew his knee out in the Rose Bowl on national television. Name another movie where the villain knows the undercover operative's name on sight.

Bodhi: "Chill, brah. You know who this is? Johnny Utah. Ohio State, all-conference!"

I’m not saying that Keanu Reeves is for one second believable in this movie. I’m not someone who quotes Patrick Swayze’s Bodhi as if he had just discovered the Dalai Lama. I don’t care that some tool in Hollywood finally realized that this movie predicted the extreme sports phenomenon.

All I am saying is that if some dilweed, snot nosed, corporation executive remakes my all time favorite action movie, then he better hire himself an entire posse of dead president masked bodyguards because I’ll be loaded for bear and on the next Hollywood sightseeing bus through Beverly Hills.

Consider yourselves warned.

    

Share this story About the author

Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

View Profile
Visit Website

More from Brad
Related Tags
 

Connect With TMR

Recent Writers

View all writers »

September 2016
S M T W T F S
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30