Kiss and Don't Tell: Bieber, Coldplay, and More

This week's music world gossip roundup...

By , Contributor

bieber.jpgWhile this certainly seems like the highest of compliments, Justin Beiber was said to be roiling mad when he heard that drug dealers in Toronto are selling a new strain of marijuana they've named after him. Christened JB Kush, it's being traded on the streets of the Canadian metropolis with a rather touching message that reads: "To help you get through those tough times with your loved one, and make you closer."

The teen hasn't commented about the strain in public - after all, he is on vacation in Hawaii with the fetching Selena Gomez, and we're sure he has better things to do, like stripping down and revealing that new tattoo that, according to Talmudic scholars, says "Jesus" in Hebrew inked on the left side of his bony frame. Maybe it's just us, but that does seem a little ironic. If you're keeping count, this is his second tattoo. The first is an outline of Jonathan Livingston Seagull on his left hip - in the same exact spot as his father Jeremy's.

spears-bf.jpgkfed-fat.jpgAre we the only ones who think that ever since Britney Spears' boyfriend, William Morris agent Jason Trawick, lost those 50 pounds he looks uncannily like Flaming Lips major domo Wayne Coyne?

And no, we don't think they landed on Britney's ex, Kevin Federline, despite recent photographic evidence to the contrary. It's probably just time for K-Fed sign up for another run at Celebrity Fit Club. If you remember season seven, he went from K-Fat to K-Fit, and was one of the most astounding transformations that year.

If you're still not quite sure who Ellie Goulding is other than she was the singer who serenaded Kate Middleton and Prince William at their wedding after-party, let me give you a clue: She's the slight blonde girl who can and will kick your ass. "Once, when I was DJ'ing at a club, someone threw a bottle of beer at me. I was so angry I took my T-shirt off and flexed my muscles. I'm quite ripped for a girl," Goulding bragged to Heat. "No-one messed with me after that."

She should give Alicia Keys a few pointers. The "You Don't Know My Name" singer was forced to duck and cover when an overly aggressive fan tried to plant a big wet kiss on her lips during the New Federal Theatre's 40th Reunion Gala Benefit at the Edison Ballroom Sunday night. The rather zealous middle-aged male fan approached her during intermission and was about to go in for the kill, when Keys wiggled out of his grasp. But apparently she wasn't as freaked out as everybody thought, since she did agree to pose for a photo with the offending fan.

I don't know about you, but there's been a preponderance of stars speaking for other stars this week. First Jane Seymour told reporters what she believed that Arnold Schwarzenegger had more illegitimate children out there, "I heard about two more [out-of-wedlock kids] somebody else knows about. I even met someone who knows him well." Although she later said she was misquoted. Then Paul McCartney crowed to Britain's Radio Times that Keith Richard said the Rolling Stones were jealous of the Fab Four: "I talked to Keith Richards recently... well, a couple of years ago, and his take on it was: 'Man, you were lucky, you guys, had four lead singers,' whereas the Rolling Stones had only one." Keith may have said he was jealous -- it's funny that revelation didn't make it into his very thorough autobiography -- but what we find more interesting is what Mick Jagger used to call the former mop tops, "We were an entity. Mick used to call us the Four-Headed Monster. We would show up at places all dressed the same."

On the same theme, Happy Mondays singer Shaun Ryder decided to speak for the Stone Roses, despite all claims by the original members that they wouldn't reform. Speaking to The Sun, Ryder said he believes that a reunion is on the horizon, "I think it will happen. I really do. There is more of a chance now than ever of them getting back together. Ian [Brown]'s just split with his missus and I bet she's hit him for a few quid. The only reason they will get back together is if Ian needs the cash. He never has before, he's a millionaire."

It's ironic that in the 17 years since his death, Kurt Cobain has been canonized as a saint. Just recently, his friends and family have slapped a human, er...face on the musician. First REM frontman Michael Stipe told the New York Post's Page Six that he never had a liaison with Cobain. "Let's set the record straight... Kurt was a really sweet man, and we never had sex. All right?" I don't know? Is it all right? Maybe we can ask his widow Courtney Love, who recently revealed to GQ that her late husband was rather well-endowed.

"Kurt had more presence and more beauty than Brad Pitt. He was a leader, he was strong, in fact he was well f**king hung, if you really want to know." And we do. We do.

Should we worry about the state of the Paltrow/Martin marriage? The reason we ask is because back in 2008, the Coldplay singer told anyone who'd listen that he'd given up his obsessive running in favor of yoga, something his lithe wife practices religiously. Imagine our surprise when we spotted Martin in a navy blue long-sleeved shirt sprinting over the streets of London, pumping his long arms with abandon.

More than likely he's getting in shape for Coldplay's upcoming tour. They just confirmed a headlining date at this year's Austin City Limits festival that runs from September 16-18. They'll appear along with Kayne West, Stevie Wonder and Arcade Fire. Which means that the rumors are true that their Eno-produced album is almost finished. Coldplay have been hyperactive on their Twitter account giving out tantalizing clues to what appear to be song titles or possibly lyrics.

Chris Martin photos.jpgOne message said, "Maybe the trees are gone," while another read, "Maybe the streets are alight," while another said, "I feel my heart start beating to my favourite song." Some of the messages were in flashing script while others were typed in colors. According to a report in NME, the band had earlier posted the cryptic message, "I turn the music up, I got my records on, I shut the world outside until the lights come on."

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Jaan Uhelszki was one of the founding editors at Detroit’s legendary Creem magazine. Since that time, her work has appeared in USA Today, Uncut, Rolling Stone, Spin, NME, Relix, and Guitar World. She is the only journalist to have ever performed in full makeup with Kiss. Luckily she only had to put…

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