The World According to Lady Gaga

By , Columnist
I have a friend who once completed two weeks of a three-week community college course on Feng Shui. She is now the first to provide an expert opinion on subjects ranging from 14th century textiles to why the 1956 Eames lounge chair is the greatest piece of furniture ever designed. She even took credit for its design once due to the reasoning that if she had been alive then, she would have thought of it first.

Lady Gaga, singer/songwriter/egg yolk, recently penned her first column for V, the seasonally printed American fashion magazine. Like a 4-year-old wielding a wooden spoon and saucepan and marching through the house exclaiming, "I am so great, I am so great, everybody look at me, I am so great," the art school dropout's two-page magnum opus covers her extensive knowledge of everything, including the importance of owning a library card.

gaga.jpg"Glam culture is ultimately rooted in obsession, and those of us who are truly devoted and loyal to the lifestyle of glamour are masters of its history. Or, to put it more elegantly, we are librarians. I myself can look at almost any hemline, silhouette, beadwork, or heel architecture and tell you very precisely who designed it first, what French painter they stole it from, how many designers reinvented it after them, and what cultural and musical movement parented the birth, death, and resurrection of that particular trend. So dear critics and bullies: get your library cards out, because I'm about to do a reading."

Ms. Gaga also explains, in layman's terms, the reasoning behind her arrival at the Grammys in an egg carriage:

gaga.jpg"There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular. Cells give birth to cells. To put it more bluntly, the Hussein Chalayan vessel I wore at the Grammys wasn't inspired by a chicken. It was stolen from an egg. But the transformation, the context, and the approach taken to reinterpret the meaning of birth and rebirth in terms of fame on a fucking red carpet -- this is what creates the modernity of the statement. The past undergoes mitosis, becoming the originality of the future."

And she goes on.

While moving furniture the other day, I knocked a hole in the wall. After visiting Home Depot and following the instructions on a bag of plaster, I fixed the damage myself. Based on this new-found expertise, next weekend I intend to build a three-level home with sunken lounge and swimming pool.

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Holly is a freelance writer and copy editor with a background in journalism and publishing. Like a grandmother's purse, she is about three decades old, worn around the edges and mostly full of crap.

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