Look Out: Pornography Judgement Day Is Coming

How long will it be before Google or Microsoft pornageddon?

By , Contributor

Bill Hicks: "[The] Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts; that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm. . . Sounds like . . . every commercial on television, doesn't it?"

Someday we will all be judged by the porn we’ve watched.

I may sound like Pat Robertson, but really, if Pat Robertson has the world figured out then I’m definitely going to hell.

It’s hard to argue the fact that porn has driven practically every new technological advancement in the media over the past century. Everyone’s second question when they hear of a new invention is apparently, "Can we use it to create or consume porn?"

Here’s a partial list: photos, films, videos, cable television, DVDs, the camcorder, Xerox copiers (!), and of course, most of all - the Internet. Back in the day, it would take you 15 minutes to download a basic JPEG off CNN.com, but the Hustler site already had live and streaming video.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to grow up in today’s world where porn is super prevalent and essentially free. When I was 15, I would watch scrambled porn for four hours at a time just trying to make out a nipple. Nowadays, I’d have like three hours and 57 extra minutes left over each night; with all that free time maybe I would have actually read the books they used to assign to me in high school.

Here’s a good example of how much skeevier we are as a world these days. I just used Google to see if Thomas Edison ever filmed any nudes after he invented motion pictures. Now if you Google anything even remotely related to porn, watch out, because at least half of the results are going to be links that you wouldn’t want anyone alive to know that you’ve visited. Sadly, I now know that the Thomas Edison is one of two sexual moves, one heterosexual and one homosexual. They both seem to involve light bulbs and shockingly, the hetero one is way sicker. (That site claims that the moves are urban legends, but once someone thinks of it, it usually isn’t long before some goofball tries it.)

I saw Bobcat Goldthwaite at a club once and he related a tale about his 15-year-old daughter. Bobcat was shaving with one of those new electric razors that spits out hot shaving cream. His daughter said to him, “Eww, that looks like cum.” At which point, Bobcat realized that his best case scenario was that his daughter has seen a porn clip or two.

I’ve heard that porn is so prominent today that some teen girls actually believe it’s perfectly normal etiquette for the man to finish all over the woman’s face. Even I’m alarmed at that. Jealous a little, but mostly alarmed.

Here’s the true Orwellian nightmare that’s lurking in the near future. You decide to run for President against one of the founders of Google, when suddenly links to every porn scene that you’ve ever played on your computer are all over the Internet. How has this not already happened? I don’t care how holier than thou you may be, everybody has seen at least five videos on the Internet that still make them shudder years later.

Sex makes a man insane: one second a man is absolutely turned on by the nastiest stuff imaginable, one second after he finishes, he’s immediately repulsed by what he was thinking of a few seconds earlier. Actually, that's a fair assessment of the sexual history of organized religion right there.

Can you imagine the debates we’ll have when every candidate’s porn history is made public? Ratings will be through the roof.

“As you can see, the porn I’ve watched in the last decade, while it may seem to be a lengthy list, is at least one that predominantly features scenes of a monogamous, heterosexual, and white nature.”

“My porn playlist is much more politically correct. Asians, Filipinos, Latinas, Eastern Europeans - I believe it is healthy to appreciate the multicultural melting pot that one can have when they engage in the healthy use of proper porn.”

“Forget nuclear proliferation, can you really vote for a man who watched Not the Brady Bunch 74 times?”

"Pregnant midget porn … seriously dude?"

Even getting a job will become a horrific nightmare. “I’m sorry but your indicated use of porn doesn’t comply with our corporation standards. Oh, and by the way … you should seriously seek professional help.”

I can see Bill Clinton releasing his list when he opens his Presidential Library. It would be like getting a head start on the inevitable.

The issue will probably go to the Supreme Court, but you know that Clarence Thomas is going to vote "they’ve seen mine, we might as well see everyone else’s." In all likelihood, the invasion of privacy will be seen as somehow protecting children even though it would out 5,000,000 vanilla porn users for every one looking at something against the law.

And you know that there would just be some really oddball discoveries like Rush Limbaugh averaging over six hours a day on a web site featuring mature amputee porn or Ann Coulter being a connoisseur of transgender films.

If this happens, then the next presidential election will feature George Clooney against Leonardo DiCaprio, because really, what would the point be for either of them to watch porn?

You can whip me, torture me, deprive me of sleep, food, and human contact for as long as you like, just please God don’t let my mother see my five most depraved list!

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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