The Hooters 2011 International Swimsuit Pageant: I Feel Dirty

These girls are not pretty

By , Contributor

Bill Hicks: “Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts; that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm. . . . Sounds like . . . every commercial on television, doesn't it?”

I’ve been really down in the dumps of late. My life isn’t what I want it to be and neither is the world. Then I saw The Hooters 2011 International Swimsuit Pageant and I instantly felt ten times worse. 

You’d think that Hooters.2011.International.Swimsuit.Pageant.720p.HDTV.x264-MOMENTUM_screenshot_2.jpgthis would be the exact type of guilty pleasure that would make me smile, but it was actually so horrific that I had to change the channel after about eight minutes.

As sort of a critic, I really feel that I have to be fair, so if this show became some sort of elevated high art about 15 minutes in, I totally apologize for my red hot fevered rage over this program.

It’s hard to believe that you could screw up a show with about 100 young girls prancing in barely-there bikinis, but somehow they did. It was like watching an Adrian Lyne version of The Stepford Wives, as girl after girl did her chirpy walk of shame up the runway and back.

These poor girls have to serve french fries every day in that abdominal franchise as if somebody had convinced them that this was the way Cindy Crawford and Cheryl Tiegs were discovered.

Every one of these girls had the exact same body: the unsubtle breast job; the over worked-out body; way too much artificial tanning (do people who go to Idaho Hooters establishments really appreciate a good tan?), and huge painted on smiles that barely caused a wrinkle in their super tight faces.

I’m not a huge fan of tons of extra weight on a woman, but when did O% body fat become the goal? These bodies were so tight that you could bounce quarters off of them.

Then it hit me that these poor girls aren’t the pretty high school girls. They were the poor souls who were desperate to be the pretty high school girls. So desperate in fact that they were willing to do anything to their faces, hair and bodies in order to give it that clich├ęd "hot girl" look.

You just can’t try that hard to achieve perfection without turning yourself into some grotesque monster and every single one of these poor girls looked exactly that.  

If I had kids, I’d punish them for watching it. I’d rather have them paging through 40 year-old issues of Playboy, when the women actually did look like they were from next door and not processed in a manicure salon around the corner from the regional airport.

Honestly, pure natural nudity is less harmful to your teens than seeing these girls covered with soiled dental floss.

America desperately needs to stop worrying about JC Penney T-Shirts and save these poor girls from becoming Hooters’ waitresses. I'm not even necessarily upset about exploiting beautiful girls. Take all the pictures of truly sexy girls that you want, just stop selling these sad tales of "beauty" you can buy from a plastic surgeon and an aerosol can!

Grades:

Franchise F

Pageant F

Go out and purchase your kids a Russ Meyer box set. They’ll eventually thank you.


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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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