Dancing With the Stars - The Total Dish and Snark On Season 13

We Even Have a Prediction of a Winner!

By , Contributor
I love ABC’s Dancing With the Stars.  I love, love, love, I can’t say it enough, I love Dancing With the Stars.

My husband hates DWS.  My husband has two left feet, finds no reason on earth why two people should move around a floor like that, would not get caught dead watching the show.

So that’s how it is across the fruited plains as I still ripple with glee that the roster for this upcoming season 13 has been announced; one either loves or despises Dancing With the Stars.

Season 13 will premiere Monday night 9/20/11, on ABC, 8p/7c, with the results show the following Tuesday night, 9/21/11, 8p/7c. 

Tom-Bergeron-and-Brooke-Burke.jpg

DWS is hosted by Tom Bergeron and Brooke Burke. The judges include ballroom judge Len Goodman, and choreographers Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba. Scoring is a combination of judge scores and America's phone-in votes. The hosts are affable. Bergeron has a quick wit about him with his experience on America's Funniest Videos.

The judges get along, and like judges on most reality shows, we got a grump (Len), the easygoing female (Carrie Ann), and the nut (Bruno).

 The new celebrity dancing lineup is quite intriguing.

 The lineup follows the DWS formula, make no mistake.  Always there should be a couple athletic types, preferably one male and one female. This time we have Hope Solo -- the goalie of the U.S. women’s soccer team -- as the female athlete type. For the male dancer we have Ron Artest, an NBA player for the Los Angeles Lakers. As a rule, the athletic contenders dance very well, for if you never thought that dancing requires the same sort of muscular prowess and fleet footedness of an athlete, consider yourself now so informed.

Nancy Grace.jpgThere’s always one gratuitous older person to keep senior types like myself tuned in that we may marvel at what we too could do if of a mind and after losing a few pounds. This year we have a somewhat younger older person, Nancy Grace (51). 

Although please smile here, the addition of Grace to the dance lineup might cause husband to even take a peek because by him Nancy Grace is always mad. “How’s she going to dance when she’s always mad,” is how he puts it.

You always get a couple of talk show types thrown into the celebrity dancer lineup. There’s never any really major A-list celebrities on DWS, of course. You might get acting has-beens, perhaps, blasts-from-the-past looking for new exposure to get more script offers. But you’ll not likely see Justin Bieber hoofing it on DWS, as the series requires a lot of time and more than a little discipline.

A celebrity with a star currently shining bright is not likely to have the time or the discipline.  Talk show “stars” cherish a spot on the DWS lineup as it gives them something to talk about on their show and it elevates that status.

This season we have Ricki Lake. Lake used to be very fat, but if you tell anybody I said that I’ll have to deny it. Lake came back from an acting career going downhill to talk show host and has been quite successful at it.

Rob Kardashian is due to dance and hey, if you don’t have a Kardashian in there somewhere you’re just not hip. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a male Kardashian, so this guy needs the extra oomph DWS will give him that he may too be as cherished as his sisters.

Come on….Chaz Bono?  That cute little girl, born daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono? Only now Chastity is Chaz and will be dancing as… a guy. This entry is sure to draw viewers, don’t tell me not. And Chaz is not a small fellow, goodness. Again, husband might even take a peek at this oddity.

Chaz Bono.jpg

One entry baffles me. Her name is Elisabetta Canalis and she is listed as a model. Well, there’s often a model type on the DWS lineup so we’ll allow. Except usually it’s a model we’ve heard of out here in the wilds of the fruited plains. I did a little research and discover that Canalis was “once” the girlfriend of George Clooney.

Elisabetta Canalis.jpgI’m going out on a limb here and thinking Canalis is a woman seeking fame and fortune, and she will obtain either via famous boyfriend or DWS gig, or both. Interestingly, the model types often don’t do all that well as a dancer despite the thinness they are famed for. I don’t know why, except to suggest that maybe they’re weak from hunger.

We also have Chynna Phillips, a singer who was once part of achynna-phillips.jpg female singing trio, Wilson Phillips, famed for their parents more than their actual singing talent. Chynna’s the daughter of the Mamas and Papas singers Michelle and John Phillips. Famous parents almost always helps with this sort of thing.

Another entrant is somewhat unusual. His name is J.R. Martinez and he’s an Iraqi vet and something called a “motivational speaker.” My bet is Martinez might be seeking a career in politics in the future, but this is just a gut reaction. Motivational speakers seldom go on to acting careers, but there are often politicians on DWS. My own Troublemaker, Christine O’Donnell, was asked to dance on DWS last year after she surprisingly unseated an entrenched Delaware politico. Former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay, and conservative political pundit Carlson Tucker also danced on DWS.

I’m going to put David Arquette in the category of used-up, has-been actor types seeking rejuvenation. Arquette starred in a few shows and once even dabbled in wrestling, and was married to Courteney Cox.

Kristin-Cavallari-DTWS-Season-13.jpg

Along with an older type, there is generally one youngster type, and for now I’d put entrant Kristin Cavallari in that category.  Though she was born in 1987, which makes her in her early twenties. There is also a celeb dancer from a reality series often in the mix, and Cavallari might fit that category as a star of several MTV reality series.

The younger dancers do very well on DWS, as would be expected. This early on, with a dancer from an MTV reality series, I predict Cavallari will be in the top five. Remember you read it here first.

carson kessler.jpgFinally, the most surprising to me, and my favorite…Carson Kressley!  What, you never heard of Carson Kressley?

Kressley’s occupation is listed as a celebrity stylist.  Which Carson might be but I know him more as a stylist for more ordinary folk across the fruited plains. Late at night when sleep might elude me, I’d channel surf till I came across Kressley as host of a TV show that had him showing up to the surprise of the recipients to do makeovers on three locals greatly in need. Sort of an Extreme Makeover, Human Edition.

Kressley was also one of the Fab Five hosts of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which had five homosexual fellows doing over a hapless straight guy.

Kressley has an outstanding wit and spark about him and I consider him a joy to watch. I must think Kressley will be a great dancer, not to promote a stereotype, but the gay fellows are known for this sort of talent. Carson is unabashed about his sexual orientation and this raises him in my esteem.


So there you have it. We will be covering this series here, so tune into my column as week by week we discuss the waltz, the paso doble, the cha-cha, the songs, the outfits, the talent, who’s still around and who got the boot.


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Pat Fish has been a blogger for almost ten years. She has been published numerous times in the Chicken Soup for the Soul and Cup of Comfort book series and wrote for Blogcritics. She has written a few books and vows to write till death does part her from the keyboard. Pat loves to write about current…

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