But there's no need to strike the balance any longer. Celebrities, news stories, and pop culture products are making it easier than ever to make sure that your daughter doesn't even come close to having the self-love and inner beauty you only dreamt of having. Phew! Just in case you need some help along the way, here are some super-easy tricks to make certain that your daughter grows up a self-loathing waste of space too, so you're not alone in the world.
1. Tell Her She's Fat: Of course! When have we not wanted to follow Kris Kardashian's lead? This is an awesome way to make sure your daughter grows up with certainty that she's an ugly piece of shit who doesn't deserve emotional or physical happiness.
Screw 25 years of Oprah, if you want to finally feel good about your body, tell your gorgeous daughter she's fat. It will create a unique sense of equality in your relationship, making sure you don't get left behind while also never having to work on your own issues or figure out how to have a healthy body image. It's totally a win-win.
2. Give Her Botox: Thank goodness Kerry Campbell, a San Francisco mom, came clean about this last week on Good Morning America. Thanks, Ker, way to spread the word. She gives her 8-year-old botox injections because the wrinkles, AKA dimples and skin creases in her face - bothersome side effects of being a human being made of flesh - are affecting her in her social circle otherwise known as "the pageant circuit." The injections are a fantastic way to make sure your daughter grows up thinking there's no way for her to be beautiful just the way she is. Score!
Oh, and make sure to not only administer the injections on your own (preferably you're a "part-time esthetician"), but secretly buy the botox from an unnamed source "behind the doctor scene," or else it would just be wrong. And I'm "behind the mental health scene," so I should know.
Mattel claims that the dolls are boasting positive self-image and inviting girls to celebrate people for who they are. But worry not, the dolls don't actually send that message. They send the message: Sure, be a monster! But make sure to dress perfectly, be obsessed with food, shave your legs and pluck your brows so you fit in and don't scare anyone by exposing your real self. So, the dolls are obviously perfect to buy for the daughter you're trying to destroy. Yay!
It's kinda perfect, because as Troy Patterson of Slate magazine said, it (of Living Lohan, the nine-episode reality show all about the rise to fame of Ali and Dina Lohan) is "commodifying the very youth and soul of Ali Lohan - younger sister of poor little Lindsay ... 'Living Lohan' is one big xploitative mess." So basically, a reality show deal is your best bet at making sure your daughter turns out to be a holy-hot-mess. Love. It.
5. Put a Tiara on Her Head: If you make sure your daughter knows, before the age of 5, that in order to receive love, praise, and attention then she must succeed at being a beauty queen, you will have done your job. When she grows up and isn't a beauty queen, she'll for sure be the next best thing... just like you; a ragingly self-loathing, living vicariously through her children, and married to a closeted gay man, who may or may not be turned on by sequins while he pretends to think pageant life is borderline-wrong so to not blow his cover. Mazel Tov, life is good!
Make sure to tune into Toddlers in Tiaras on TLC to learn how it's really done, just so you don't screw it up. And remember to buy ill-fitting clothing for yourself and to "mark" your daughter's dance behind her as she's on stage, showing her that she is the only access you have to your dreams of being loved for your looks. It's the perfect amount of pressure. Go, you!
Now, go forth and do your work, you educated and impressionable mothers, you. Exploit, put down, and make sure to project all of your unfinished emotional business onto your daughter. Because if you don't, things could go south. She could end up figuring out a way around the bullshit baggage that belongs to you - not her, become a woman of substance, break the family cycle of low self-worth, and be a constant reminder to you... of what you actually did right. And that's clearly not the goal.