From The Morton Blog

Kim Kardashian Divorce: How Will We Ever Survive?

Kim Kardashian's marriage contract is over.

By , Contributor
In case you haven't heard, Kim Kardashian, best known for her golden showers sex tape with some dude named Ray J, has filed for divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries.  I know this must be a difficult time for her, what with just having filled out the thousands of thank you cards, and the laborious task of collecting royalties on the repeated rebroadcasts of her wedding on E!, but let's spare a thought for the people who really matter in all of this: US. 

The world is suffering through so much pain as we witness the crumbling of this sacred marriage, a marriage that was clearly orchestrated in the heavens, blessed by the Lord himself, touched by the angelic hands of Cupid and his cherubs minions.  Let's think about how we are coping with this separation. 

I for one am SHOCKED, hurt and deeply concerned about my future.  Who will get custody of her legions of fans in the divorce.  Will Kim be forced to ply us with expensive gifts to win our love and devotion? Children of divorce are more likely to have deep emotional issues than their peers. In an act of solidarity with Kim I have already eaten an entire gallon of ice cream, not to mention all the Halloween candy I've consumed.  This is SO... gulp... hard :(

Some have accused Kim of getting married as some kind of publicity stunt. How dare they!  We all know Kim isn't some kind of shameless famewhore! Kim is the real deal, she is practically a national treasure, her protruding posterior should have a monument erected in its honor, and like the real one, it should be so grand and sweeping as to block out the sun.

We mustn't forget Kim's mom Kris, the world's most humble and protective mother. She too is in pain over this, so much so, she had to dig up the dead corpse of her "BFF" Nicole Brown Simpson to help dry her tears.  Sources close to the family have said the entire Kardashian family is so distraught they've had to break into their private stash of $1000 bills to wipe their tears and blow their noses. Isn't that just so SAD?!

The fine art of famewhoring, passed from generation to another.

Kim has released a statement defending herself, and it's just so wrong that we live in such a jaded world where someone as great as Kim Kardashian -- what with her vast talent, beauty and list of achievements -- must defend herself.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

Boo hoo, you will have to excuse me, boo hoo, I need a moment to collect myself, I am so devastated. Clearly the only way we can hope to recover from this loss is for Kim and the entire Kardashian clan to go away and never be heard again. 


Weep, sniffle, weep.

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I have written and covered celebrity, entertainment and popular culture for over ten years. I also created celebrity web-site as part of the network. When both sites were purchased in 2008 by, she joined their editorial team as Entertainment Editor and then…

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