Why I'll Never Have a Sex Scandal

By , Contributor

Under normal circumstances I would feel badly for Anthony Weiner, but given his last name I would have thought that he'd just be smarter. Look at my last name. I've heard like ten million really unentertaining jokes about my last name in my life, and for that reason I hereby promise the world that I will never have a sex scandal. Now take my last name, multiply it by ten, and you have the young years of Anthony Weiner. Colin Powell - there's a guy smart enough not to have a sex scandal.

I was at a high school debate tournament once and in high school debate they make you write your names on the blackboard. We were walking past a room where a debate was being held and I blurted out "Hey, look, Nathan Dick!" He yelled back, "I heard that!" Nathan Dick would never be dumb enough to get caught texting his penis around. 

The creepiest thing to me is that I'm pretty sure that most women are really not into that, but probably would love to be the one to laughingly bust you for your fetish. It's like you have to be a guy who's really into showing off his penis. You know Samantha from Sex in the City is texting that kind of stuff as comedy every other day.

I blame working out. Anthony Weiner really worked his body into shape and like Arnold Schwarzenegger said of "the pump" of working out - "So I am coming day and night. It's terrific."

He was feeling sexy about himself and he wanted to get it out there to someone. If a woman had that scandal then nobody would have cared. I bet you any kind of sex tape from Hillary Clinton would have pushed her past Barack Obama in 2008. Wouldn't you think that any kind of tape that made her seem fun and a little bit human would have helped?

The shaving the body thing also creeps me out. Although, had he looked like Burt Reynolds' Cosmo centerfold, then that would have been creepy too.

If you are going to have a sex scandal, don't have one that makes you look lame. JFK is laughing at Weiner like a madman up there in heaven. Dude, just have a healthy natural sex appetite, sleep with everyone you come in contact with that raises your flagpole, and walk around like you are king of the world.

It's too bad Bill and Hillary have Chelsea's feelings to worry about, because I'd love to read the tell-all Bill Clinton autobiography and you know he's dying to share!

Now I'm not pledging that I have never done anything that I'd be embarrassed about, I'm just saying that if I became a public figure I'd keep myself clean. I just couldn't pull it off with the same élan as Charlie Sheen does. I do feel fortunate that I'm pretty normal in my sexual interests. If I was happily married I'd never even look at a porn website. I would have been ecstatic just being married to Jackie Kennedy.

I'm not sure what the revelation that Weiner's wife is pregnant does to the equation either. Was he being neglected because she was pregnant? Does he have one of those Elvis "I'm no longer attracted to my wife now that she's a mother" things? If you're the kind of guy that likes to text his penis to dozens of women, then you shouldn't get married until you are as old as Warren Beatty was when he wed Annette Bening.

I bet that Barney Frank has done things that would curl Anthony Weiner's toes, but really, with that last name you should just know better. Personally, I don't care whether he resigns or not, but it's got to be pretty hard to be an effective congressman when all the pages are laughing their asses off every time you walk by.

Hmm, I wonder how mad at me Nathan Dick will be if he reads this. It wouldn't be the first time that something I wrote got me in trouble. Honestly, Nathan, I'm a much better person now.

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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