Preparing For 2012 - Tips For Surviving the Apocalypse

By , Columnist
With earthquakes, hurricanes and tornadoes taking over the east coast, the world economy teetering on a precipice, and Justin Bieber hosting the first new episode of Punk’d, it’s not a stretch to believe the end of days are upon us. No one is safe and even fewer are prepared.

There are many reasons why people don’t talk about emergency preparedness. For some, turning a blind eye is as good as believing an emergency “won’t happen to me”; for others it would be a futile exercise as there’s rarely a shortage of anything in Wal-Mart, with the exception of patrons possessing healthy Body Mass Indexes.

The fact of the matter is, nature has shown us in recent weeks that she is a temperamental bitch, and, even if the recent bizarre weather means nothing and we all wake up on December 22, 2012 flipping a collective bird to the Mayan calendar, it’s better to be safe than sorry. As we emerge from our bunkers, blinking into the light, we might even find a renewed world where our neighbors invite us to their "We survived 2012" party where they share their Cheetos and canned beans with us.

Until that day comes, TMR will be covering essential items and useful news that will prepare you for the end of the world as we know it, and for any other natural disaster or zombie outbreak that might take us by surprise along the way; just in case.

The first few essentials:

While water may be the source for sustaining life, alcohol is the source for sustaining fun. This might not seem like an essential, but after sitting in a basement for days with only Trivial Pursuit and Twister at your disposal, it will quickly become one.

Alcohol, while good for improving the mood of post-apocalyptic basement dwellers, also serves as a disinfectant, fire starter, and is not as easily contaminated as plain water. Healthy adults, even in panic mode, can survive in a 60-degree basement without water for 10 days. Healthy adults (still in panic mode) can survive in a 60-degree basement without alcohol for about an hour.

Stocking up on calorically dense foods such as Cheetos and canned beans are important as they keep you satisfied longer. While your doctor would not recommend such a diet, your doctor will probably be dead. Cheeto dust also works as an excellent trail marker if you venture into unknown territory.

If you run low on food, a simply rehydration fluid can be made by dissolving five teaspoons sugar with one teaspoon salt in one quart water. This fluid, while gross, maintains your body’s sodium and glucose balance, which is essential for basic functioning.

In a pinch, urine can also be used to rehydrate your body; so it may be useful to keep a few liters in your basement.

The ground floor of a concrete, windowless structure is recommended. There is no need to go as far as building a bomb shelter as scientists in the 1950s learned that eight inches of concrete won’t stop a twenty-mile wave of organ-melting nuclear radiation any more than a basement will. A tin foil hat may or may not also be useful.

It is important for this structure to have a secondary escape route or a “back door” in case one is inaccessible. Both exits need to be hermetically sealed with an air supply that is capable of filtering out ammonia, toxic dust, and other airborne contaminants. A generator will also be required, and will need to be housed in a separate room with an exhaust fan and a sealed door to avoid carbon monoxide buildup.

As bio fuels will be increasingly hard to come by, diesel generators can be easily converted to run off methane. To ensure a plentiful supply of this alternative fuel, several pigs will be required. As they will provide your primary fuel source, even if you run out of Cheetos and canned beans, do not eat them.

Humans are social creatures and are more likely to survive in groups. Select friends with a high degree of survival knowledge but with less survival knowledge than you. Should you run out of Cheetos and canned beans, having friends with a high Body Mass Index will come in useful. A tin foil hat is also advantageous in this instance as aluminum is an excellent telepathy blocker, which will prevent your friends from knowing who is next for dinner.

Trivial Pursuit and Twister are not going to cut it. See “Alcohol” section above.

Hoard as many as possible. Knives are useful in all survival situations and, unlike the shotgun (also recommended), do not need reloading. Several quiet thrusts with a blade in a crowded basement will be more effective than firing off rounds.

To trade for necessary items, like more knives.

To swap for cigarettes.

By drugs, we are referring to a well-equipped first aid kit containing bandages, iodine, and plenty of Penicillin; however, cocaine, psychotropic mushrooms, and marijuana are also recommended. Why not, it’s the apocalypse. The cocaine may also come in handy should you find yourself in a crowded basement with a knife.

Tune in here next week for further survival updates.

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Holly is a freelance writer and copy editor with a background in journalism and publishing. Like a grandmother's purse, she is about three decades old, worn around the edges and mostly full of crap.

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