The X Factor: This One Has Simon Cowell

No one says "horrible" quite like Simon Cowell.

By , Contributor

Do you know what the difference between Coke and Pepsi is? If they pay you to drink Coke, you drink Coke. If they pay you to drink Pepsi, then you of course drink Pepsi. On American Idol Simon Cowell drank Coke. Now he’s on The X-Factor and drinks Pepsi, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the world of modern entertainment.

Frankly, it’s pretty hard for me to believe that with the 8,000 currently televised talent competitions that it’s possible for there to be any undiscovered talent left in the country, but The X-Factor has Simon Cowell and Paul Abdul. Supposedly, the two shows are different, but my mother for one can’t really tell the difference, because as we watched she kept asking me “What’s the difference?” and “How come they didn’t sue Simon Cowell?” Since I keep up on these things, I explained to my mother that there was a bit of legal haranguing over the two shows, but essentially the main difference is that Simon will become even richer now than he was before. Simon likes to talk about art, but he’s really all about money. This is, after all, the guy who released albums by World Wrestling Entertainment, the Teletubbies, and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Think about the following. You are a huge Cleveland Indians fan. You love the players on the team. One day the owner of your favorite team trades his entire roster to the Minnesota Twins for their entire roster. Who do you root for now? Well, in this case, since I get Simon and Paula back and I lose Ryan Seacrest, I think the answer is a pretty easy one.


Back to my mom... she’s apparently a pretty good judge of talent herself because she immediately hated Cheryl Cole, who after the first hour of the show was mysteriously replaced by Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger in an unexplained move that my mother agreed with 100%. I’m on board with the move too because I saw the clip of Nicole on Conan the other night where her breasts appeared to be the eighth wonder of the modern world (see video below).

The final judge on The X Factor is huge hit maker and record executive L.A. Reid, who was actually fantastic as the anti-Randy Jackson and perhaps the most qualified person to actually pimp himself out to one of these shows. He knows what he's talking about and won't be backing down from Simon's attitude any time this century.

So far the main difference between X Factor and Idol, besides the supposed judge mentoring that is going to go on, is that the auditions are done to music tracks in front of an arena full of fans, which proved to be a pretty good innovation especially when some dancing hippie dude named Geo singing an original song called “I’m a Stud” whipped his dick out!

Yeah, there it is, I said it and it happened. Dude proudly dropped trou not once but twice in front of 4,000 people and let it flap around like a Polish sausage, which again goes to show exactly how desperate the world of network television is these days. It was a cheap stunt that probably should have been left on the cutting room floor, but in reality it showed exactly why I’m so happy to see Paula Abdul back at Simon’s side. Sure, all four judges were repulsed by Geo’s swinging appendage, but only Paula Abdul, who apparently hasn’t seen a penis since she broke up with Emilio Estevez, could make it all about herself by running offstage as if in desperate need of immediate medical attention. The sight of Geo’s manhood made Paula begin to violently gag as if she were... Nope I’m just not going to go there.

Anyway, Simon and Paula are back, which is good news. The bad news is that in the old days entertainers dreamed of playing Carnegie Hall and producing great works of art. First prize on The X Factor gets you a Pepsi commercial that will be shown during the Super Bowl.

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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