Zombie Warnings Infecting American Highways

Be prepared.

By , Columnist
Zombie warnings have been reported across America from California to Northeastern Canada this summer. In typical fashion of government owned news agencies (all of them), these stories are being covered up or passed off as pranks by hackers, which coincidentally are also a government invention. Luckily a few years ago, Jalopnik released a report on how to hack electronic signs. So-called Internet conspiracy theorists, or as I refer to them, truth activists, have been putting this knowledge to good use ever since.

The government has never been fully capable of squelching all zombie reports, dating back to the 1949 zombie outbreak in the Midwestern United States. A leaked zombie capture in July 2010  brought the impending pandemic into light when a car full of "people dressed as zombies,” later confirmed to be actual zombies, crashed near downtown Portland. The detained undead were taken to the hospital for head removal, but a few escaped on foot and are now quickly making their way across our highways and byways.

On July 12 in Danville, Vermont, commuters were warned of “Raging zombies 1 mile.” On July 10, a road sign on Highway 1 in San Francisco read, "Zombies Plundering SF." In late June, near St. John's Bay in Newfoundland, signs declared, "Zombie Invasion! Run!" and "Save Yourselves! Flee!!!" And, a road sign along a northern Kentucky interstate warned motorists of "Nightly lane closures, zombies ahead."

Sightings of the quickly multiplying brain eaters have been also reported in Florida, North Carolina, Illinois, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Texas, and probably in many other states.

These reports all have one thing in common: Government-controlled news agencies are blaming hackers for spreading the method for manipulating road sign control boxes. However, we informed citizens know the truth and can refer to the world’s #1 reliable news source closing its doors after 168-years of conspiracy involvement as a prime example.

The Center for Disease Control released a Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse report in May, played off as an attention-grabbing approach to flood or earthquake emergencies, but it is mostly useless when it comes to warding off zombies. To best prepare we must familiarize ourselves with zombie behavior. I recommend consulting the "rules" in Zombieland, a 2009 documentary that follows the creator of Facebook on a road trip after a zombie apocalypse. Also remember that zombies have evolved from the slow-moving creatures George Romero tried to warn us about in Night of the Living Dead. They are now faster and smarter as portrayed in so-called “fictional” films like the 28 Days series and Dawn of the Dead.

If you are preparing to pack a years' worth of quality time into one week of travel with those you are obligated to spend time with, don’t let zombie threats deter you from having fun. Just remember to be prepared, travel light, check the backseat, and always double-tap.

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Holly is a freelance writer and copy editor with a background in journalism and publishing. Like a grandmother's purse, she is about three decades old, worn around the edges and mostly full of crap.

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