America, Congratulations! You're Not #1 in the Fat Country Contest Yet

Largely rumored as the world's fattest country, America only clocks in, sheepishly, at #3...

By , Columnist

America! Congratulations! You lose. At least for now. In a lovely list published by Forbes Magazine, back in 2007, the world's fattest countries by percent of citizens who are overweight were as follows:

1.  Nauru  94.5
  2.  Micronesia   91.1
  3.  Cook Islands  90.9
  4.  Tonga  90.8
  5.  Niue  81.7
  6.  Samoa  80.4
  7.  Palau  78.4
  8.  Kuwait  74.2
  9.  United States  74.1
10.  Kiribati  73.6

Now ain't that a look-see. Hey America, see any other European countries on the list? How 'bout Mexico? Nope. Gotta piss you off.

And where the hell is Nauru? America has all the food and 25% of the world's oil and they still can't beat a banana republic at a simple eating game? Shameful Americans!

But in a more recent survey, from 2009, published by the World Health Organization it seems we've taken up the old gauntlet and are ready to play for keeps, almost. Now we're number three!

1. American Samoa  93.5
  2. Kiribati  81.5
  3. U.S.A.  66.7
  4. Germany  66.5
  5. Egypt  66.0
  6. Bosnia-Herzegovina 62.9
  7. New Zealand  62.7
  8. Israel  61.9
  9. Croatia  61.4
10. United Kingdom  61.0

So, that's more like it. Thanks to our unincorporated territory, American Samoa, we're making headway, with help no doubt from the boatloads of Velveeta and Big Macs we send down there. Supersize that little island! But where is regular Samoa? Poof. Invisible. Fish and coconuts don't make you fat. Bet they wish they had America's help.

And finally, a few Europeans on the list - and it's always good to see Israel and New Zealand on any list. If this story were about World Cup wins, that wouldn't happen - and we wouldn't be mentioning America in the headline either.

So America, shape up! Spend more time on the couch. Don't wield that remote like it's a goddamn Wii game. Too many calories trashed. Team, this is a game and we're out to win! We need everyone on the field for this one - and where the hell is Kiribati? Get the CIA or the FDA on that one.

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David has spent most of his career in advertising. That alone should call his writing skills into question. David currently writes the Wild Wild East Dailies from Saigon but has trouble seeing the forest for the trees because it's a jungle out there.

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