Beyonce and Jay Z: Super Spendthrifts
Yes, in case you missed it, the fabulous Beyonce and her hip-hop mogul hubby Jay-Z gave birth to their first child Blue Ivy on January 7, and before she'd barely opened her eyes, she's on the charts. Jay-Z, never one to miss a beat, released a new single this past Monday, titled "Glory," an apparent joyful ode to his daughter's birth. The single, which credits baby Blue (using her initials B.I.C.) for some spontaneous cries, hit the R&B charts at #74, making Blue the youngest artist ever to enter the Billboard charts.
So, that's pretty cool and noteworthy, but the news doesn't stop there. Turns out baby Blue is making headlines for having the most garish, lavish, and over-the-top baby accoutrements all the money two famous artists can buy. Now I've read about some ridiculous shizz the rich and famous have spent on their children, but this takes the gold-layered cake. According to the report, Beyonce and Jay-Z have dropped over $1.5M on baby Blue and among those items the couple is alleged to have purchased:
$600,000 solid gold Ginza Tanaka rocking horse
$15,000 Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen
$23,000 Fantasy 'posh tots' coach carriage crib
$30,000 magical windmill playhouse
$350,000 ensuring the nurseries in their three homes are identical; have also spent thousands of dollars on Blue’s wardrobe.
Now, if even ONE of these items is accurate, the joke's on them, because baby Blue's guaranteed to do some, if not all, of the following:
Draw with markers, feces, Gerber banana puree on that $600K rocking horse
Spit up and smash green peas and carrots into that $15K high chair
Have a massive blowout in her pure linen diapers in the $23K posh crib (not to mention drool)
Show her baby Blue bits to some boy in that $30K windmill playhouse
You see, what rich parents don't understand is that rich babies and poor babies are all the same — they barf, crap, pee, and drool regardless of how much money they have. Babies are like nasty-ass honey badgers: they don't care, they don't give a shit, they take what they want, STUPID.
So if Jay-Z and Beyonce want to waste their retirement fund on a bunch of over-priced stupid crap that they could have gotten for 1/50th the price at Babies R Us, have at it. Stimulate that economy. But don't come crying to us when your kid ends up in rehab, jail, or worst of all, porn, because your misguided attempt at showering them with love was really just showering them with gifts. There is a difference.
In honor of baby Blue Ivy's hallowed birth, may I present the song Jay-Z commissioned for her arrival when he was two. He's prescient like that!