Wow, I knew the economy was really tough right now, but I never thought that it would be bad enough to affect Jesus. Huh, oh sorry, that's just Jim Caviezel, star of The Passion of the Christ, who apparently took so many body blows in the Mel Gibson helmed fan favorite, that he now thinks that he is being crucified in real life.
Here's an admission: I've never seen The Passion of the Christ. Now I know you all think it is because
I'm Jewish, but in reality, it's because I'm squeamish. Nevertheless, Jim is
upset that he isn't getting the type of film offers befitting the star of a box
office mega-smash like The Passion.
Caviezel claims that right up front Mel Gibson warned him, "You'll never work in this town again." Maybe that was the time to worry about your career as a leading man, because who knows more about alienating Hollywood than Mel Gibson, who is apparently terrific in The Beaver, which just grossed a whopping $104,000 on 22 screens.
Time to face the facts, Jim. Some actors like Johnny Depp choose roles smartly and wind up with long term careers and others star in all twelve Police Academy movies and forever wonder where they went wrong. Apocalypto made a ton of money at the box office too, but you don't see Rudy Youngblood or Morris Birdyellowhead moaning about the well drying up on their acting careers.
Jim, I know that you think it's all a religious conspiracy and that Kirk Cameron is doing nothing but echoing this feeling into your ears, but here are some tips for you just in case you ever wind up in a big movie again.
- No one can tell whether you nailed the accent or not if the movie is in Aramaic.
- People can't tell how good your acting is when they are forced to watch your epic movie by peeping through their fingers in horror at its overload of righteous violence.
- Choose material that can be packaged into a sequel. Bradley Cooper may not have the moral weight that you do, but he'll be making Hangover movies for at least the next two decades.
- Don't follow up your big hit with a snooze fest
bio flick about a really polite golfer that no one has ever heard of. Again,
Bradley Cooper wouldn't have been caught dead in Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius. Cooper would have put on some weight
(the Academy loves that) and done Drinking
and Eating Like a Man: The John Daly Story.
- If you want to latch your career on to a visionary director/producer, don't do it with one who likes to drink, drive, make Jewish slurs, and call women "sugar tits."
Most importantly though, no one likes a whining Jesus. It just doesn't look good when you can brave lashings and skin flaying and stigmata and all that physical torture that the real Jesus went through on screen only to whine about how hard it is being a movie star. Now run off to Broadway and see if Trey Parker or Matt Stone have a part for you in their hit musical The Book of Mormon!