This Week in Stupid Girls

Bristol, Kim, and Lindsay!

By , Contributor

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.
- Pink

So far the new millennium has been all about the stupid girl celebutants that rule the E! Channel. You know who I'm talking about. They're famous, but not for anything particularly memorable unless it's a sex tape or a drug bust. They're rich, but they haven't done a day of work in their lives. If they're being photographed getting out of a car, they're not wearing panties. They've probably dated Wilmer Valderrrama and regretted it.

I like to call the three main offenders, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsey Lohan, the "Unholy Trinity," but each week there seem to be more and more competing for that vapid airhead fragrance dollar. Like all weeks, your favorites were probably busy during this past one, so let's take a look at the news.

In the literary world, Bristol Palin and some poor ghostwriter have emerged with Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far. It's tough to merit a memoir at age 20, but Bristol's mark was made in one virginity-losing (supposedly) camping shame spiral when she succumbed to pothead moron boyfriend Levi Johnston.

"I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions." Somehow Bristol has no real recall of the night her baby was conceived, but nevertheless is sure that she was using birth control; well, that's her story and she's sticking to it. My guess is that she thought having a diaphragm in her purse constituted protected sex.

If one book about this famous event in U.S. history isn't enough, not to worry, Levi's book is coming out in the fall! It's always a special occasion when someone who can't read a book writes one.

Not the reading type? Check out Keeping up with the Kardashians, where mass public demand has convinced Kim that it's time to hit the X-ray machine and prove to the planet Earth that her world class ass is 100% real!

This has clearly been one of the country's most important, unanswered questions and thank God we finally have solid proof that rumors of butt implants were wildly inaccurate. Personally, I didn't even know that there was such a thing as a butt implant. I wonder how many women in Iraq, Libya, and Afghanistan have butt implants.

Last, but certainly never least, the bad news is that Lindsay Lohan still won't go away. The good news is that she hasn't let house arrest stop her never-ending party. This week she was chided by a judge for hosting a series of "roof parties" - very creative, Lindsay. Of course, what would the week be without a failed drug or alcohol test? Lindsay kept her perfect positive result record intact with alcohol in her ever active system. Lindsay claims that the alcohol came from kombucha tea, which supposedly contains less than 0.05% alcohol. I give this claim about the same degree of confidence that I do Bristol's birth control claim. Lindsay, for heaven's sake, if you are going to fail an alcohol test then you might as well do it with gusto - Keith Richards would have shown up at the testing carrying a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

Finally, in old stupid girl news, former Brady Bunch mom Florence Henderson claims to have gotten crabs in the mid-'70s from an ex-Mayor of New York. Actually, that one I didn't really need to know.

Remember kids, anywhere there's a horn dog man fathering secret children or texting his penis to his constituents, there's probably a stupid girl not far from ground zero!

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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