Just when you thought you were safe, 51 year-old actor Doug Hutchinson and 16 year-old wannabe starlet Courtney Stodden have struck again! I guess Doug didn’t take the handy quiz I made for him, because the happy newlyweds consented -- or perhaps begged for -- an interview on Good Morning America.
What was staged as an attempt to defend the sanctity of their marriage (and not at all a promotion of their upcoming reality show), and to make Doug look less pervy and Courtney a mature woman, achieved exactly the opposite. If there was any question that Doug is a complete silent killer type and that Courtney is fame-whoring for all she’s worth, it vanished along with Courtney’s natural boobs.
For those of you unwilling to waste six minutes of your life watching this train wreck, allow me to summarize some of the tastiest moments:
· Turns out Courtney really is 16 years old. GMA got a hold of her birth certificate, definitively proving that she was born on August 29, 1994. I think I still have shirts from 1994.
· Not only is Doug three times older than Courtney, he’s more than a decade older than Courtney’s father. Courtney's dad applauds himself for selling his daughter for such a great price. Who knew child brides could be so trendy?
· The lovebirds met online when Courtney signed up for Doug’s acting workshop. In a tale that belongs more on To Catch a Predator than Good Morning America, Doug continued an online relationship with Courtney, despite knowing her real age, for the next four months. Where is Chris Hansen when you need him?
· Proving that some people should have to take a test to become a parent, Courtney’s mother “monitored” all communication between the two and deemed it appropriate. She even told the pair, “You guys can get married if you want.” How generous, mom!
· Doug says that meeting and courting online “was a beautiful and unique way to get to know someone, because we didn’t have the distraction of the physical.” It was also a really handy way to keep you out of jail, Dougie.
· Courtney vehemently affirms that she was a virgin until her wedding night, and that she is a “deeply Christian” person. Apparently she’s also a “very old soul” and “very mature for my age.” Ohhh, I get it. Man, if I had known I could become mature by bypassing high school education and marrying an old perv, life would’ve been so much easier.
· When asked if marrying Doug would help her career, Courtney responded: “If it does, it’s just another beautiful blessing.”
· Speaking of blessings Courtney’s breast are real, you guys! In fact, they’re so real, they’re straight “from God."
Throughout the video Courtney dons ensembles that would do Heidi Montag proud. She walks a tiny dog in translucent stripper heels and a tight white dress and lounges around the house in a camouflage bandeau top, all the while putting God’s Gifts on full display.
In fact, those outfits were specifically designed to make the audience forget that she never actually says anything. Doug, talented actor and capable predator that he is, ardently describes their relationship and their struggles while Courtney nods and parrots a few words at the end of each of his monologues.
In fact, at one moment (fast forward to 4:45) it becomes evident that Courtney has either been slipped some Valium or has taken up drinking five years before her time (but that’s fine, she’s super mature for her age!). While Doug rambles on, Courtney’s head lolls back and forth while she stares at him woozily, licks her lips and, though I'd really like to deny it, looks like she's lusting after him.
Well, Courtney and Doug, if this six-minute video is any indication, your rumored reality show will be TV gold for train wreck junkies like us. Maybe in the season finale of season one Courtney can get pregnant and make a guest appearance on Teen Mom? Dream big, you two!