The Salahis’ Journey from Abduction to Infidelity: The Escapades of Tareq, Michaele, and… Neal Schon?

And the line between reality and reality TV gets a little more blurred...

By , Columnist

You know how you always hated when you were living at home and your parents insisted that you tell them where you were going, with whom, and when you thought you’d be back?

Accountability can seem pretty sucky as a teenager, but as you get older, I think it gets to be a little more normal. You holler to your roommate that you’re going to the store and ask if they need anything; you tell your hubby that you’re going to a new restaurant with the girls and not to wait up; and, likewise, you should probably also man up and tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you’re leaving them for a '70s rocker.

But as with all concepts that seem to apply to the little people of this world, they seem less important to people in the public eye.

Already notorious for their White House crashing back in the day and now famous as cast members on The Real Housewives of DC, the Salahis created more media waves yesterday when Tareq Salahi claimed that his wife had been kidnapped.

He’s told TMZ that Michaele called at an odd hour from an odd number on Tuesday night to tell him the odd news that she was fine and spontaneously heading to her mom’s house for a bit. Since she and her mother aren’t on good terms, the “Only Solutions” Tareq could settle on were that his wife had been abducted and her kidnappers were forcing her to cover it with the clearly-implausible excuse.

Oh, it was covering something, alright: The apparent fact that the Michaele wasn’t heading over the river and through the woods to mama’s house. Actually, TMZ reports that her “Wheels in the Sky” took her over “Mystery Mountain” to Tennessee and into the “Open Arms” of Journey guitarist Neal Schon, with whom she is reportedly -- yes -- “Stone in Love.”

They’re now traveling through the Volunteer State together, and I’m sure Neal is happy to let his White House crashing groupie have it “Any Way [She Wants] It” . . .  “Any Time.”

In an attempt to find something of value (or something legitimately funny) in this story, here are, courtesy of the Salahis, a few clues that your S.O. hasn’t been kidnapped and is, instead, a big, fat cheater:

1. He or she uses a variation on the “I have to work late” excuse. In this case, “I’m randomly going to visit my mom that I hate and never visit but I’m super happy to be going to stay with her” doesn’t hold a whole lot of water, something that Tareq should probably have considered, especially since he and his wife made a name for themselves, if you can call it that, by LYING to the highest authority in this country.

2. The police aren’t super-enthused about helping you find him or her, and neither is the public. Well, that just might mean that everyone thinks you guys are jerks…

3.  He or she keeps humming or whistling a veritable catalogue of gushy Journey songs.

So, Tareq, “Don’t Stop Believing”… but also don’t hold out any hope for your marriage.

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Emmie Scott is an English major-turned-marketing exec, with a passion for writing, humor, sharing knowledge, and "pink drinks." After hours, she started Are Toe Rings Professional Attire?, a blog for college grads and twenty-somethings looking to find their way through that daunting labyrinth called…

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