(Spoiler Alert! I’m about to give away tidbits that occur in the seventh and final installment of Harry Potter, as well as let my nerd flag fly. You’ve now been sufficiently forewarned about both.)
Dear Ron and Hermione,
Since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two comes out this Friday, I think it’s time for me to have a sit down with the two of you and finally say what’s on my mind.
Let’s preface this by saying that while Harry is the Boy Who Lived and The Chosen One and all that jazz, you two are the heart and soul of the Harry Potter series. Hermione, where would those two boys have gotten if it weren’t for you? They’d have been either strangled by some Devil’s Snare, killed by the yellow eyes of a giant Basilisk, powerless to save Sirius Black from the Dementor’s Kiss, or failed every single one of their classes at Hogwarts. If you ask me, Voldy probably should have spent more time going after the brains of the operation and less time obsessing over Harry.
And Ron, you’re just the best friend Harry could have ever asked for: loyal, brave, humble, and willing to risk your life while rarely getting any recognition. You’re also one hot ginger and, incidentally, I particularly enjoyed how beefed up you got in The Deathly Hallows Part One. Seriously, your arms were spectacular and when you jumped in that frozen pond to save Harry and retrieve the Sword of Gryffindor, I threw my delicate hand to my forehead and did a proper swoon.
But brains and brawn aside, your relationship with Hermione has been driving me up a wall for well over ten years. The best I can describe it is as a complicated dance. It began with wide circles performed around each other as immature children who playfully squabbled. Ever slowly, your orbits got closer and closer as the squabbles turned into emotionally charged banter, always thinly concealing what was right beneath the surface.
As you grew, the dance became faster and more difficult to watch. There were a few times when you came so close you were practically face to face, feelings almost laid bare: when Hermione went to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum, when Ron took up with Lavender Brown in a whirl of poor decision making. Each time you almost let slip how much you cared for the other, but ultimately thought better of it.
Your relationship has been all stolen glances, tiny moments of tenderness, and silent longing, and no more so than in the seventh and final installment. I think we audibly sighed when Ron first caught a glimpse of Hermione at his brother Bill’s wedding, and our hearts broke when Hermione was being tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange while Ron fought and screamed to get to her.
And while a long and silent love affair is poignant, heartwrenching and bestselling come on. You have a responsibility to let the Muggles live vicariously through you, and you’ve been making us wait and wait, and wait some more. Six years of waiting is not enough to sustain people who have commutes and desk jobs - we can’t turn turtles into teapots or apparate from place to place or plot the demise of Lord Voldemort for our own entertainment - okay! This much anticipation without sufficient distraction is enough to make any person break out in hives.
Listen, it’s time to lay pride aside and just come clean. You love each other, you’ve always loved each other, and you will not wait any longer! Throw down your wands, leap into each other’s arms and fly off into the sunset on your hippogriff or broomsticks. This is fantasy dammit, and I want a fantastical scene to sustain me until J.K. Rowling stops the shenanigans and all this Pottermore nonsense and sits her billionaire butt down to write a prequel series.
I know how your story ultimately ends, of course, and I wasn’t dissatisfied with it. But I’m warning you two - the translation to the big screen had better do justice to your relationship. Six long years of silent love and dancing around your true feelings has to culminate in one epic moment of revelation (and perhaps a long, lustful kiss - age appropriate of course), and the Muggles have to feel fulfilled in order to prevent riots. No pressure.
I’ll be there at 12:00 a.m. this Friday, July 15, to see how “it all ends.” I’ll be there in my cape, wand in hand, along with the other millions of young people whose childhood was your story. Please, please make it worth our wait.
All my love,