The phone rings at the palatial home of one-time Hollywood superstar Mel Gibson.
Shifty: Hi Mel, I’m “Shifty” Lucas, Hollywood’s top public relations man and I have a killer idea that will save your career.
Mel: What career? Did you see the box office for The Beaver? Even I know that it’s over.
Shifty: Mel, it’s never over in Hollywood.
Mel: But the Jews, they run Hollywood and they can’t stand me. I try to tell them that I hate Blacks and Mexicans and the Norwegians, and just about everyone that isn’t servicing me in the jacuzzi too, but they’ve got my nuts in a bear trap.
Shifty: You hate Norwegians? Who hates Norwegians?
Mel: See, most people let those bastards off the hook, but I’m truly color blind in my hatred of everybody on the planet that isn’t me.
Shifty: Mel, forget the Norwegians. You’re right. We do need to get back into good graces with the Jews, but here’s how we do it. Mel, you’ve been an extremely successful director through the years. What would you say is your specialty?
Mel: Well, I mostly make grisly, hyper-violent period epics about warfare.
Shifty: Exactly! So here’s what you do. You make a really violent period battlefield epic glorifying the Jews.
Mel: How am I supposed to do that? They’ve been getting their asses kicked for thousands of years. Their biggest military success was running away from a Pharaoh into the Red Sea. You might as well ask me to make a movie about Australians who don’t drink beer.
Shifty: Mel, you’re forgetting Judah Maccabee. The story of Hanukkah, that crazy holiday they all give presents to each other on so they don’t look so bad during Christmas. It’s basically like baseball and Sandy Koufax, the one ancient military hero in Jewish history.
Shifty: Not only that, Mel, but it’s Old Testament, so you can still act like it’s something you as a diehard Catholic really care about. Not only that, but since it would be a war movie it’s consistent with your view that the Jews are responsible for most of the world’s history of wars! Seriously, I can’t see how this can miss!
I suppose at this point that I should volunteer up front that I’m Jewish. So as Mel would say, “I sort of have a dog in this fight.” Now I’m not for hatred of any kind, but I have to admit that Mel Gibson’s rants of ethnic hatred are for me probably even more entertaining than his movies.
Sure, I was upset after Mel’s anti-Semitic DUI tirade, but only until I heard that he had called a female cop “Sugar Tits.” Maybe it makes me a misogynist, but I still laugh every time I think of that phrase.
Then there were those embarrassing, hyperventilating telephone messages that Mel left for his baby mama. Again, scary and violent, but as long as Mel refrains from going OJ Simpson, pure comedy gold that equaled weeks of hilarious entertainment via Howard Stern and countless other appalled but laughing celebrity pundits.
In 2007, I was covering the World Series of Poker and got into an argument about whether Mel’s film Maverick should be considered a poker movie. To settle the argument, I asked the opinion of one of ESPN’s poker writers, another Jewish guy who considered himself to be a poker expert. The ESPN writer got mad and refused to comment, because he was so appalled by Mel’s anti-Semitism.
Nonsense! I’m appalled by his anti-Semitism too, but I still can comment on whether a movie is a poker movie. I’m appalled by Leni Riefenstahl’s Triumph of the Will, but I’m still able to acknowledge that her movie about the 1936 Berlin Olympics was one of the first and best sports documentaries ever.
As much as I want to deplore Mel’s need to see my people gassed in ovens, I really like the movie Payback. It’s a great movie and I’m watching it every time it’s on television.
I’d probably feel a little different if Mel were a congressman, a senator, or the Fuhrer, but in today’s world if Mel’s Judah Maccabee movie kicks as much ass as The Patriot or Braveheart did then I’m probably going to be the first guy in line to give that dirty, hateful man my hard-earned Jewish money.
Is Mel’s attempt to kiss Jewish ass a transparent cynical attempt to resuscitate his career? Hell, yes. Fortunately times don't seem as desperate as they were 80 years ago. Sure, there's plenty of ethnic hostility out there in our country, but fortunately spilling it out on The View or other media outlets is going to get you mocked and derided.
Admittedly, if this movie spurs on Mel’s political ascension to the point where he influences widespread anti-Semetic hatred that leads to the mass killing of millions of people of my ethnic heritage, this won’t be my proudest take ever, but as it stands now, if Mel makes a movie about Judah Maccabee and Roger Ebert tells me that its gory, but exhilarating, than in all likelihood, I’ll be paying to see it.
See Mel, there's a sucker born every minute. Even in the houses adorned with mezuzahs. I only hope that Mel Brooks has enough time left on the planet to do a parody of it.