Britney Spears is Nuts!

In the words... well, word... of Charles Schultz – aaaaughhh!!!

By , Contributor

Sometimes I really hate myself. Don't let that 17-year-old picture beside this column fool you (it was the only picture that I had that wasn't of me and a really beautiful woman completely entranced by my soulful passion - honest). I'm a 45-year-old, college-educated man in a world where people are starving and well meaning, innocent people are slaughtered daily by greed, fear, and incompetence - and here is the kind of stuff that I read to fill my day.

Britney Spears has somehow managed to mount a comeback after being bat shit crazy enough to, among other things, marry and reproduce with Kevin Federline. Apparently, she has been under the conservatorship of her parents for the past couple of years, a situation that persists to this day, but probably won't stop her from being able to pose nude with a couple of really large snakes or dance in an outfit that took less material to make than your mother's bra.

Do I even need to go on? What have I done with my life?

Anyway, Britney's mother is being sued by her ex-manager, Sam Lufti, for defamation of character or at least as much character as you can have while marketing a brain-dead, Disney-raised, blonde bimbo airhead to the youth of America.

Lufti's attorney wants Britney to testify in the case (I have jury duty next week and I'm guessing my case won't be nearly this fun), but Britney's parents contend that their daughter is "mentally incapable" of doing so.

It sounds kind of bogus to me, but then again I've seen this video so really, who knows?

Nevertheless, Lufti's attorney has some videos of his own. He has an expert witness who watched clips from Ryan Seacrest's interview with Britney and an MTV documentary!

"In the Ryan Seacrest interview, which was recorded approximately two months ago, Britney Spears is interviewed at length, and she responds logically and coherently to questions, evidencing logical thinking and mental competency. The edited interviews in the [MTV] video documentary also evidence coherent and logical thinking, responsiveness to questions, and mental competence ... In my opinion, there is good cause to conduct an Independent Medical Examination to investigate the Conservators' claim that Ms. Spears is not mentally capable of testifying, and the claim that she was not mentally competent to enter into a binding contract. ..."

I don't know how many of you have been involved in a legal case, but these lawyers just spew out thousands of pages of nonsense under the best of circumstances, and this guy's pros are paying some lucky idiot good money to analyze Ryan Seacrest's penetrating questions and some MTV footage?

Then again just how mentally competent do you have to be to answer questions about whether your ex-manager drugged and harassed you into having a nervous breakdown? How many thousands of dollars and weeks does it take to conduct an "Independent Medical Examination" and what will that session be like?

Q: Britney, you kissed Madonna on stage once. Are you out of your mind?

A: Christina Aguilera did it too. How come nobody ever talks about that?

Here's another MTV video; let's be home expert witnesses.

From that I can tell that Courtney Love is completely out-of-her-gourd insane, but then again, does that mean that she couldn't testify in court? I'm puzzled. I need some experts to analyze this. In the meantime, you and your lawyers can get your own independent experts to analyze the clip. Make sure that you take into account that Kurt Loder is a much more respectable journalist than Ryan Seacrest.

In the words... well, word... of Charles Schultz - aaaaughhh!!!!

I've had it. Let Judge Judy deal with this issue and my suggestion is that if these crazy chicks aren't wearing underwear to court that they be deported from the greater Los Angeles area.

Oh, and kill all the lawyers too! /EndRant

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Brad Laidman has been a freelance writer since 2000. His work has appeared in Film Threat, Perfect Sound Forever, and Rock and Rap Confidential. His defense of The Kinks' Dave Davies so moved the legendary guitarist that Davies labeled Brad his hero and he has the email to prove it.

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