I’m not even going to mince words. The first Two and a Half Men with Ashton Kutcher two and a half sucked.
The producers of this billion dollar lame duck show had all summer to write something interesting,yet failed to come up with even one clever moment. After all, why should they have actually put some sweat into this thing? They knew everyone would be watching it no matter how destined it was to be a twisted, mangled train wreck, and apparently that’s how Charlie Harper went out.
Television writers are well paid, and yet who would have guessed that Jon Cryer’s Alan Harper would accidentally spill that urn full of his late brother’s ashes all over his Malibu beach house? The real fun of the show, Charlie Sheen, was seen to better effect yukking it up on his Comedy Central celebrity roast, an event that was everything Harper’s funeral should have been, but wasn’t.
Mini recap: there were lots of women claiming to have contracted venereal diseases by the deceased, Charlie’s mom threw in a pitch for his suddenly-for-sale beachfront property, and cute not-so-little anymore Jake expressed a desire for food.
Ashton’s naked frame appeared once around the 15-minute mark, and because this show is completely artistically bankrupt, did an encore just before the “to be continued,” but not by anyone who cares about entertaining television sign-off. Don’t get me wrong, major props to Ashton Kutcher on his impeccable naked body. However, I seriously doubt the comedy writers in Hollywood shuddered with fear for their future.
Few people enjoy a bunch of dick jokes more than I do, but even Pauly Shore and Carlos Mencia groaned their way through the repeated wreckage of unfunny prattle that was desperately trying to prop this disaster up with Ashton's pixelated and reportedly huge appendage.
Worst of all, I can’t think of a single thing in Monday’s debut that made me even a bit curious to ever see another episode of this show again. Ashton's Walden will continue to be rich and get laid, Alan will continue to masturbate alone, Jake will continue to be flatulent, and Conchata Farrell will remain the show’s one redeeming bright spot. Gone forever is the "anything may happen anarchy" of the loaded shorts and bowling shirt clad Charlie Sheen.
At one point Jon Cryer asks Ashton's Walden Schmidt how it was possible to be rich, good looking and suicidal, and yet, that's exactly what I thought of the Kutcher debut.
You know how you can be infinitely intrigued by the sexiness of a clothed woman, and then once you’ve seen her naked and slept with her she no longer holds enough interest for you to even bear to eat breakfast with her? That was last night’s Two and a Half Men premiere.
Oh, and did you have to ruin the memory of Dharma and Greg too? Apparently, the answer to that is an extremely desperate yes.
PS: If you wondered why Charlie has suddenly been so nice about Ashton and so apologetic about his previous behavior, it's because he's recently been paid off. In this case, everyone is a villain.