Facing Difficulties in Life? Scientology Has an iPad App For That

What every lost and confused soul needs!

By , Contributor
Well, well, well. Just when we'd thought Scientology had shuttered its doors to the future forever, the makers of Xenu bring you this. 

It's the Scientology Online Courses HD for iPad. Something tells me they waited until Steve Jobs died before unleashing this piece of technological advancement. WWJobsD?

Having trouble with your thetans and need some help on the go? Scientology's new iPad app can help. Did you jog down to your local CoS chapter, only to find a "for lease" sign? Worry not my troubled friend, with the new Scientology Online Course HD for iPad, you have all life's answers at your fingertips, literally.  It's like a magic 8-ball, but dumber.  Here's what awaits you behind the secret pixelated Wall of Fire:

The Scientology Online Courses are based on the principles from the Scientology Handbook. By studying these courses you can learn:

* The secret to studying any subject and applying it successfully
* The exact formula to improve communication skills
* How to resolve conflicts and restore harmony to those around you
* Principles you can use to help make correct decisions in life
* The basic components of understanding, itself
* How to predict the behavior of others and learn who you can trust
* The secret to restoring self-respect
* Why life is sometimes like a rollercoaster, up one day and down the next
* How to help someone overcome addiction to drugs or alcohol
* How to regain enthusiasm for work
* The solutions to creating a calm and safe environment
* The way to success in achieving your goals
* What a successful marriage depends on
* The tools of parenting and how to raise happy, self-confident children
* How to relieve the suffering of someone who is ill or injured
* The precise formulas to follow to improve conditions in any aspect of life
* How to organize any activity for success
* How to discover the real reason behind failure and turn it around for the better
* The key to gaining support from others for your ideas and endeavors

Enroll on a Scientology Online Course and gain the tools to overcome any of life’s difficulties and achieve a more fulfilling and happier life. For no matter the situation, with Scientology, something can be done about it.

This is awesome!  Our tech spies tell us that Scientology minions are already working on an upgrade to this app that will automatically deplete your bank account by thousands of dollars and deposit into offshore bank accounts, as well as, contact all your friends and loved ones who think you are crazy for joining an oppressive cult, and declare them suppressive persons. Just think, no more embarrassing confrontations with your Mom, Dad, siblings, spouse, children or friends. The app will do it for you!

hubbard-and-miscavige-2.jpgBetter still, if you begin to go rogue and start questioning the words of L. Ron Hubbard, the new app has a built in feature called the "Commodore's Messenger" that features a mini tyrant who screams in your face and threatens to send you to the RPF! All with ultra-convincing CGI graphics that will create a load right in your pants!

One final bonus feature not mentioned, but certainly worth the asking price (FREE), is an automatic download of your freewill and sense of reason.  Seriously, this should be on EVERYONE'S holiday wish list.

What are you waiting for? Your life's not going to destroy itself.

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I have written and covered celebrity, entertainment and popular culture for over ten years. I also created celebrity web-site Glosslip.com as part of the Blogcritics.org network. When both sites were purchased in 2008 by Technorati.com, she joined their editorial team as Entertainment Editor and then…

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