Dear Jesse James: You're An Ass...Happy Now?

Is Jesse James really a bad boy, or does he just want us to think he is?

As it turns out, you're so much more than Sandra Bullock's dirty, cheating, motorcycle fixin' ass of an ex-husband. You're actually quite an eloquent speaker as well. Last Friday you told CNN's Piers Morgan, "I should have did the honorable thing, I should have left her, you know? If I wanted to screw around, I should have, you know, ended it." Wow, that was deep. Profound, really. I don't feel dumber at all after reading that, thanks.

Here's the thing Jesse, you can act like an idiot and you can go on book tours for American Outlaw - 368 pages that you surely penned all by yourself like a big boy - but I'll still be able to see through your crap. Sorry, it's my job.

You said recently that you realized that you're addicted to anger, and though that certainly is a massive ingredient in the soup of sh*t that makes up your emotional health, it's not all of it. You're also addicted to being disliked. Yes, really. You grew up in an abusive home and even when asked if you wished that your dad would have apologized at some point in your life for beating you growing up, you shoved it off like a teenager who gets dumped in the middle of class and doesn't want to show he cares. Not convincing.

But guess what often happens to adults who weren't treated with love growing up? Well, they get used to it-and then when love comes their way they don't think they deserve it, they don't know how to manage it, they can't deal with it, and they sabotage it. They-meaning you.

Here's an example: you implied that Sandra Bullock may not have truly loved you after all when you commented that she was acting when she made her Oscar speech after winning best actress for The Blind Side. She said, directed at you, "There's no surprise that my work got better when I met you, because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back." And you're saying that was fake?

Wow, let the sabotaging begin. I'm just wondering, were you also acting when you cried while you watched her up there speaking to you like that? Was it because you've never had a real person with values tell you you're a good person? Or were you just thinking that in less than 24 hours from that moment you were going to tell Sandy that you had banged every tattoo artist in the greater LA area to purposely unravel the best thing that's ever happened to you? Just want to make sure I have the details straight.

But you loved it in the beginning of your relationship with Sandra, didn't you? "It" meaning the whole press explosion. We were all confused and thought you were the bad boy and didn't want you to soil America's sweetheart. And you loved it because we weren't confident in you...just like dad. We made you feel at home. But then Sandra fell in love with you, and so did we. And you had zero clue how to handle it. So, you effed it up. Just in time.

You told the story recently about how you came close to being recruited to a top college on a football scholarship when you were in high school, but your involvement in an armed robbery sent you to jail for 90 days during your senior year, ruining your chances of ever playing for the NFL. Wow. As it turns out, ruining things for yourself just in time, right before you become important enough to feel like you don't deserve it, is something you've been practicing for quite a while now.

I guess I'm onto something. But now, Jesse, you're putting the nail in the coffin.Talking to anyone who will listen about your supposedly amazing sex life with your new fiancée, your book of dirty laundry, how you no longer feel bad about what you did to Sandra Bullock, and the list goes on. It's pretty nauseating, even for you.

One thing is for sure though, you're smart. You know how to get exactly what you want, you know how to feed your addiction of being unloved, disliked, and on everyone's shit list of he'll-never-amount-to-anything.You know how to get your fix, because now everyone thinks you're an ass. So rest easy Jesse, you're finally back home.

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